Holidays

I am delighted to announce that not only are we all going on two weeks of holidays, but that Bright Eyes 'gets' it. We've been talking about going away to Pop's house. Swimming. Beach. Having fun. Two weeks. It's all there in his head. Hooray!

He has also been asking me in the last few days to name things for him. "What's that?" he'll ask, and point to something in a picture. Today it was the udder of a goat in a farm puzzle. I guess it's a fair enough question.

We had a small success with toot training today. I just didn't put his nappy on (and ignored the unpopular undies) so he was running around half naked. Half an hour later he came to me and said, "Can you wipe it up Mum?" and then said, "I'll go to the toilet and do a wee." He had made a little leak on the floor, but then self-corrected! Yay!

Toilet training

We're about to go away for two weeks of holiday, in which time it is my avowed intention to toilet train both little boys - Bright Eyes and his nearly two year old brother.

Ha ha.

So far it's not looking good. I bought some undies for Bright Eyes the other day. I've talked them up, left them around and even offered chocolate for him to put them on briefly and then take them off.

This has been his constant response:

"No! I'm. Not. Wearing. Undies."

I'll keep you posted.

Biting

Calamity at preschool today. Bright Eyes bit another child! They were queuing up waiting for iceblocks and he just bit the kid in front of him on the back!

Why? Wouldn't have a clue! Maybe his mouth just got restless. He wasn't provoked or irritated. He's never bitten before.

The preschool teacher jumped on the situation immediately and told Bright Eyes in no uncertain terms that this was unacceptable and he was making Keiran sad. Bright Eyes got the message, head drooping and lips pouting. Apparently he said sorry to Keiran and that was that. No major damage done. There was a slight reprisal incident a little later when Keiran tried to bite him back in a fit of vengenance, but that was that.

There was a good thing to come out of it (even despite my intense embarrassment when told about it). Bright Eyes was very clear about what happened and remembered everything, including the reprisal attack, which he was most upset about!

"What did you do today?"

"Preschool. I bite. Keiran. Bright Eyes teeth marks. Keiran back. Pauline said "No. Keiran sad." Bright Eyes say sorry Keiran."

"What else happened?"

"Keiran bite Bright Eyes! He bit me. Ow. Bright Eyes have an ouchie."

Safety and stress

We get the regular RDI newsletter via email, which this week had a particularly good article in it by a consultant named Thomas Brown. Here are some very interesting quotes from it. I'd love to reproduce it in full, but it's long and I'd probably be breaking some copyright laws. For a 'proper' journal article about RDI, follow this link.



Many times I am asked, "How long will it take before we see some progress?" I would really like to say, "Miracles can happen over night."

The reality is, like most other things, it takes work, dedication and patience.

The RDI® Program is a dynamic, changing process that follows a developmental model. It is unusual in the fact that we are NOT changing one discrete element or one discrete behavior.

For many kids, we are literally changing how they view the world, how they respond to changes and we are placing a lot of new demands on them. These changes are done in a gentle, loving and safe manner that gradually allows the child and, perhaps, more importantly, the neurological systems to change.


It is usually high levels of anxiety and fear that cause them to want to control a lot of elements of their life. This control can lead to difficulties with flexibility, rigidity and wanting things to always be the same... and when the anxiety and fear become too much, they are flooded with biochemical stress hormones that can cause major meltdowns.

As we give the child the tools of referencing and gazing, both for information and safety, we also give them security with knowing that everything is O.K.

As we spotlight our emotional interactions with them, we build on positive episodic memories that allow the child to reflect back and realize that change from their static world to the dynamic world is safe.

Thomas Brown answers his original question about 'how long does it take' by estimating that parents usually start to see significant changes in their child in about a year. We have seen significant progress much faster than this. Hopefully it will continue.

something nice

Today I had the kids' tent up in the lounge room. Bright Eyes was playing in it and suddenly had a bright idea.

"Mum, shall we make a bedtime tent?" he asked. (Note, first ever use of the 'shall we' construction.)

"Oh sure. What do you think we'll need to make a bedtime tent?" I asked.

"Covers!" he said.

"Great idea. Where should we get covers from?" was my next invitation to him.

"Car covers!" was his brilliant idea. He dashed off to the bedroom to get his doona (which is covered in car printed material) and brought it back.

"Wow! It's a bedtime tent!" I said, and he had a great time going to bed and waking up again.

Accept him as he is

I see a counsellor every few weeks to talk about things coming out of Bright Eyes' autistic spectrum disorder. It helps a lot but something she said this week was very challenging.

I was talking about how much time and energy I put into his problem. And she said "What exactly is his problem? I don't mean what's his diagnosis, but what is the problem with the autism? How do you see it?"

It was an easy answer for me. The problem I see with Bright Eyes having ASD is that he will never be truly accepted amongst his peers or have equal relationships with them. Someone will always have to regulate for him and he will be seen as a burden, a weight and someone whom other people will tolerate at best, or persecute at worst.

My counsellor thought that was a terrible way to think about someone with a disability. She asked me if I knew anyone who had a disability who was happy, and I said that wasn't the point really. The point was, do I know anyone with a disability who is truly part of 'the group'? And my answer is no.

We got to talking about the movie Forrest Gump and why Jenny didn't stay with Forrest through her adult years if he loved her and she loved him. The counsellor said it was because of Jenny's own problems and abusive background. I argued that no, it was mostly because Jenny could not have an equal relationship with Forrest. He couldn't relate to her on her terms. She always had to regulate for him.

I added that I was never happy with the ending of the film. Forrest ends up looking after his son when Jenny dies. He is pleased that his son is 'smart' and doesn't have the same learning disabilities that he does. It all looks rosy, but not to me. I can only think that that child will grow up to be embarrassed about his father, and ultimately to avoid him as he relates to his peer group in teen and adult years. Obviously most children have embarrassment and peer separation issues with their parents, but this would be a very extreme case. I just can't see Forrest's son having anything much to do with him at all as he gets into adult life.

The counsellor was very surprised indeed. In fact, I don't think I've ever told anyone this (now of course I've told everyone...).

As we went further in the discussion, she said that if I am able to accept Bright Eyes as he is, without needing him to be a 'normal' child, he ultimately will 'need' less from me and we will have a better relationship.

I think this is probably very true. And yet I don't know how to accept him as he is without also wanting (needing) him to change and recover and improve! Do I really know how to accept anyone as they are? Do I accept my other children as they are? What does that really mean anyway?

I'd be grateful for your comments.

I'm alright now

I don't normally get my wisdom from calendars, but I was in the bank after my whingey day and I saw on their calendar this saying by Samuel Johnson the poet:

Great things are not achieved by strength but by perserverance.

It was a timely reminder to keep on keeping on. It reminded me of these verses from 2 Peter 1:6-8.

Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more you will become productive and useful in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

These last couple of days I am working on engaging emotionally with Bright Eyes before I try and get him to do something.

With the other kids I just turn up at the door of the playroom and announce "Right, it's dinner time/bath time/getting in the car time etc. Let's go." And it just doesn't work for Bright Eyes. He strongly objects.

So now I'm going in, sitting close and playing gently with him for a little bit and talking to him about what he's doing. Then I say quietly and calmly, "In a minute, we're going to get into the car," wait wait wait wait wait, take his hand.... and most of the time he comes along with me happily!

He had a great day today at our 'family birthdays' party, playing with his second cousin and running along with all the children outside. When he'd spent too much time inside with the toys he started to get loud and irritable with us talking, but I think that's reasonable if you think he's about a two year old level. Even a four year old would find it hard to be in the middle of adult company all the time.

I'm over it all today

Sorry about all the negative posts. But this is going to be another one.

I am just really tired of all of this.

Everything I do with him, I have to think so hard about. The smallest request can turn into the biggest confrontation in ten seconds unless I am supercareful.

He still won't eat properly. He's still in nappies. He still sleeps in our bed. He still talks all day about stuff that's in his own head. He bosses. He won't get on with his brother. His voice is loud and demanding and stressful.

When I change his nappy, he has to put the clean nappy over his head first, before putting it on. Then he has to put his pants on over his head before putting them on. If I miss a step he has an anxiety attack.

RDI is really great but it's challenging and tiring to have to change so much of what I do and how I speak and how I relate. I need to think so carefully all day about how things can work. Every time I get feedback from our fortnightly review, I think, "How can I do this better? How can I remember this all day tomorrow?"

I've never naturally been one of those people who loves little kids and all the messy stuff that goes with preschool. Small children are hard work for me. Looking after them doesn't give me energy like it does for some.

Yes, of course there are good things. He danced today when we put music on. He's using more appropriate language every week. Overall, he's improved amazingly in 9 months.

But I'm tired and I'm sick of it all today. And I'm having a big whinge.

Cute

I have to record the cute things, because if I don't, I will only remember the days of frustration and frayed nerves.

The other day he was sitting on my lap and I realised how big he is getting. "You're so big," I said. "You used to be a baby. You were really small. Now you're big and enormous!"

He looked up and grinned and said, "I'm grew!"

Bossy and belligerent

Bright Eyes has been a boss again today.

It's moved from being simply bossy to being absolutely jealous - of anyone who wants to talk to me.

His father and I actually quite like to converse with each other, so it's a bit annoying to hear from the background, "No Mummy. Stop talking to Daddy. Naughty lady. Don't talk any more."

He had it in for my two visitors today as well. I am his, and I am to give all my attention to him!

The baby brother

I've mentioned in this blog before about Bright Eyes' relationship with his older sister. They love each other and get on very well together.

Unfortunately the same cannot be said for his relationship with his baby brother. They are rivals through and through. And sadly, most of the jealousy comes from Bright Eyes. I have a feeling that the baby wants to get on with his big brother. He makes overtures of friendship that are just not returned.

I cannot leave them together for more than a minute before I hear one of them (usually the baby) yowl his head off. When I go in I generally either find Bright Eyes holding the baby captive in a corner, or the baby launching himself onto Bright Eyes, mouth open wide, ready for a bite.

The baby is 22 months (I should really give him a name). I consider that he and Bright Eyes have equivalent relationship skills, and Bright Eyes is four! So it's almost like having twins - but twins that don't like each other.

Another first!

We were all in the bedroom getting ready to go out to church. Daddy started to pull up the doona covers and neatening the pillows on the bed. Bright Eyes pipes up: "Why are you making the bed Dad?"

I swivelled around completely astounded. It was his first 'Why?' question in his whole life!

Books to read

Two books to recommend for anyone interested in RDI or child development.

I Love You Rituals is an easy to read, practical book of great finger plays and rhymes for the young child. Campbell has loved these, especially this one:

Clapping, clapping, one two three,

Play a clapping game with me.

Whoops, your hands have gone away.

I'll find those hands so we can play!

Awakening Children's Minds is much more technical and a little heavy, but it gives great explanations of things such as regulation, self-regulation, scaffolding, indirect prompting, the guide-apprentice relationship, and other basics of RDI.

Both books were lent to me by our consultant - thank you!

The gift of autism

There are two specific things I have to be grateful for coming out of Bright Eyes' autistic spectrum disorder.

I have written about this before, but I want to say again that ASD has taught me fresh lessons about loving my children - all of them.

I am the sort of task-focused person who sometimes finds it easier to get on with whatever job I happen to be doing than to relate to whoever is around me. I hate working in teams, and I prefer to do things my way and right now.

The temptation for me is to say "oh, the children will be alright," and leave them alone, resenting their interruptions. It might work with a lot of children, but there is no way that works for Bright Eyes. Where the other two might get on ok, he definitely doesn't.

ASD has forced me to be far more intentional and committed in the way I speak to the children, the way I show my affection for them, the way I value their discoveries and activities and the way I engage with them in doing things together.

I truly believe I have grown in patience and in love for all three of the children in the past year, despite the many hours of frustration and despair. ASD has turned my parenting around.

The other thing I am grateful for is the knowledge of child development I now have. There is just so much I didn't know and still don't know. It's wonderful to be able to understand the children so much more and find creative ways to gently nudge them into growth and maturity.

Perseverance

Today has been one of those long days.

Bright Eyes told me to ‘Stop it Mum’ at least 357 times. He had two huge poo explosions with vile diarrhoea. His sister has what we think might be mumps. And he and his little brother spent the day engaging in jealous toy swipes and body to ground vicious rumbles.

In order to cope, I had too many cups of tea in order to cope and once had to leave the room to avoid murder when the juice was spilt on the table for about the fifth time.

I think the hard thing is keeping up the momentum, day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. It's easy enough to be patient and loving and energetic some of the day. But doing that all day and all week, no matter what, is what wears me down.

I said to my husband today, "I feel like we've had a two year old for three years with Bright Eyes." It's long enough.

Some interactions we have had recently

Shower
I took a middle of the day shower which is a little unusual, so Bright Eyes was quite interested. He stripped off as well and was hanging around the edge of the shower, so we talked about the water and how it was like rain.

Then he grabbed a washcloth and started to wash the shower screen for me! (Wow - if only this would continue forever!) Our washing efforts progressed and we did each other's feet, knees, tummies and faces.

He then moved on to scrub the bathroom scales, the sink and the dining room table. I would have taken a photo except I thought posting it would probably break some child protection law...

Supermarket
Today our grocery shopping turned into a Thomas the Tank Engine story as Bright Eyes became Thomas and I and the shopping trolley became 'The Troublesome Trucks'. Bright Eyes spent the time chuffing off ahead (but backwards) of the trolley, but he stayed regulated and was very aware of us all the time.

New pants
I bought two new pairs of track pants last week and he refused to wear both of them. He's never had brown pants but I thought it was worth a try. The other pair I knew he wouldn't wear, however for only $4 I wanted to see if stripes would still be a problem. And yes, stripes are still a problem.

I unpicked the stripes from the side and tried them out again today. Too bad he recognised them as being previously striped.... he again refused to wear them.

All was not lost, however. He started suggesting things he could wear instead of them (unheard of before) so I took him in to see what was in his cupboard.

Lo and behold, the only pair of pants that was clean was... the new brown ones. He fell upon them in relief that he didn't have to wear stripes. With a green shirt on, I said that he looked like a tree and he went around for the rest of the day saying, "I'm a tree. Look at me. I've got brown trunk and green leaves!"

Pictures III

This bear is 'Toby Lewis', the preschool bear. Bright Eyes has him for a week. We are taking him everywhere with us and taking lots of photographs to put into Toby Lewis' book. It will be a good exercise for our latest RDI objective which is seeing if he realises that photographs can be a help in recalling the emotions of past events.

Pictures II

We've been playing hide and seek games in RDI lab time in this large laundry basket. Bright Eyes loves it!

Pictures

Here we are enjoying an iceblock. These are the only brand of ice confection I have found in the supermarket that are gluten and casein free!

Language

New things Bright Eyes has said this week:

- Negatives, such as "I didn't" and "It doesn't".

- He answered the question "How are you?" with "Good thanks." (Previously he just looked blank or said 'yeh'.)

- I've been trying to put his scripts or funny sentences into context by saying, "Oh, you're thinking about the video we watched," or "Oh, you did that with James." Today, while he was sitting at the table he said, "Balancing beanbags on my head." Then he looked up at me and said off his own bat, "I'm thinking about preschool".

- He has a new habit of saying, "Mum, stop it" at all points of the day, sometimes several times a minute. He means it as something to attract my attention I think, so I'm trying a few different techniques to combat it including; 1) ignoring it but looking up when he says something else; 2) replacing it with 'tickle me Mum' or 'I love you mum'; and 3) turning it into a silly song where I go "stop it stop it stop it mum, stop it mum, stop it mum, stopitstopitstopistopitstopitsotpi..." etc.

Nothing has quite worked yet. It can be very annoying.

More good days

Well, the prayer support and the RDA together seem to have done wonders for our little boy. He has had two very happy days and his language and comprehension and appropriate play have jumped forward. Also, he has been eating omelettes like they are going out of style!

I haven't had much to do with him due to sickness - see my regular blog for details of having go to hospital. He did come to see me in the hospital, and was very calm and regulated. The nurse next to me saw him walk in and said, "Hello, how old are you?" He turned right around, looked at her and said, "Four", holding up four fingers.

The nurse looked at me and said, "Wow, he speaks really well for a four year old." I was completely taken aback, but agreed with a smug, secret smile on my face. And even though I felt ill, I was happy for the rest of the day!

Eggs and good things

Welcome to my life.

I am jumping up and down with a grin all over my face because.... Bright Eyes ate a piece of egg tonight.

It was only a 1x5cm strip of omelette, left over from his sister's dinner. I put it on his plate along with his regular sausage and a new innovation - star shaped rice balls. The rice stars were firmly rejected so I removed them, but the egg stayed on and got eaten!!!

Today was also a good challenge to the new 'calm down' routine following our RDA. We managed to get through the day with only a few little upsets which didn't last too long and didn't escalate into big icky things because I got the anxiety down quickly.

Another good thing: I have been spending about 40-45 minutes each day in lab time in the last few days. This is more than the required 30 minutes, and it's honestly because I'm enjoying it more. We are having fun and doing more complicated things and getting on well together. I hope I can get it to an hour a day over the next few months.

I have noticed an increase in Bright Eyes' receptive language. We had out his Bob the builder tool belt yesterday. (We took it to church for the working bee on our new building. He told the minister: "This is Bob Church.") I told him what each of the tools were, he repeated the word and we both had a turn using each one.

Then we played a game where he had the belt on and I asked for a tool by name. He looked for it on his belt, handed me the right one when he found it and I then used it to 'fix' a chair. We reversed roles - I wanted to see if he could use the name of the tools. He wasn't going that far, but he did use them correctly when I gave them to him.