Tantrum because of fear

On Thursday, Bright Eyes' preschool class was going on an excursion - to Moss Vale on the train.

I thought he would be very keen, as he often asks to go on trains and enjoyed Thomas so much for so long, so I talked it up a little bit.

Unfortunately I miscalculated. It turned out he was worried about going on the train. "It's dangerous. I can't go," he told me. He got so worked up that he threw a big wobbly tantrum at the preschool gate and I had to do the old unprise-the-hands-carry-the-child-in-kicking-and-screaming trick.

It turned out fine. The teacher took him down. At first she said he was terrified and gripping her hand so tightly she could hardly move. She noticed that as they got closer to the train and actually got on, he was starting to enjoy it.

I think the tantrum came out of genuine fear. He didn't think he could be competent without me on the train, so he didn't want to go.

I've been trying to talk about it with him all week - reminding him that he was scared, but in the end it was ok and he had a good time. I might have to draw some pictures of it with him.

Storytime

Here's a conversation we had today. It's a first to have him tell a story.

Bright Eyes: "Salty likes to tell stories. [That bit is a script.] Bright Eyes is a boy likes to tell stories too. I like to tell stories."

Me: "Really? Can you tell me a story?"

Bright Eyes: "This is a story about Mum. Mum likes go for a walk. One day she walked Bright Eyes. [mumble mumble, his brow furrowed as if concentrating.] Mouses. Then walked on the path. That's the end of the story."

And yes, he told a true story. It was the story of our walk to school in the morning. We had gone for a walk, and pretended to be mice to ease the tension he was feeling about not going in the car. First we walked on the grass, then on the path.

Safety and stress

We get the regular RDI newsletter via email, which this week had a particularly good article in it by a consultant named Thomas Brown. Here are some very interesting quotes from it. I'd love to reproduce it in full, but it's long and I'd probably be breaking some copyright laws. For a 'proper' journal article about RDI, follow this link.



Many times I am asked, "How long will it take before we see some progress?" I would really like to say, "Miracles can happen over night."

The reality is, like most other things, it takes work, dedication and patience.

The RDI® Program is a dynamic, changing process that follows a developmental model. It is unusual in the fact that we are NOT changing one discrete element or one discrete behavior.

For many kids, we are literally changing how they view the world, how they respond to changes and we are placing a lot of new demands on them. These changes are done in a gentle, loving and safe manner that gradually allows the child and, perhaps, more importantly, the neurological systems to change.


It is usually high levels of anxiety and fear that cause them to want to control a lot of elements of their life. This control can lead to difficulties with flexibility, rigidity and wanting things to always be the same... and when the anxiety and fear become too much, they are flooded with biochemical stress hormones that can cause major meltdowns.

As we give the child the tools of referencing and gazing, both for information and safety, we also give them security with knowing that everything is O.K.

As we spotlight our emotional interactions with them, we build on positive episodic memories that allow the child to reflect back and realize that change from their static world to the dynamic world is safe.

Thomas Brown answers his original question about 'how long does it take' by estimating that parents usually start to see significant changes in their child in about a year. We have seen significant progress much faster than this. Hopefully it will continue.

Building memories

Something RDI tries to focus on is building what it calls 'episodic memories'. It's more than just remembering something that happened. It's remembering the emotional reaction that went with it.

For example: not just "we went to the park today" but "we went to the park and I felt sad when I fell off the swing"

Bright Eyes is beginning to have these sorts of memories.

Yesterday his little brother and he were jumping on the bed and giggling their heads off. I said "oh, you're both so naughty" with a big smile on my face. They laughed even more.

Later that evening, I was talking to him as I usually do about what we did that day. I said, "you were being so naughty, jumping on the bed," and straight away he grinned ear to ear and started to giggle. "Naughty boys. Jumping. Two boys jumping." He laughed and laughed.

As he lay in bed, I could hear periodic giggles before he went to sleep.

That's episodic memory.