Yelling

My big challenge this week is Bright Eyes' angry voice which he uses at every opportunity, particularly with his baby brother.

He yells "Right now" when he's frustrated with his sister and he will scream "Noooooo" at the top of his voice whenever his brother approaches.

"Where's your beautiful voice?" I say in response, but it doesn't always work.

It's wearing me out today.

S-L-O-W D-O-W-N

Slowing down is such an important part of RDI. Why do I find it so very very difficult?

I'm the sort of person who has always done four things at once, while thinking about the fifth and sixth things to do at the same time. I like achievement. I like efficiency. I like competence. I like not wasting time. I finish people's sentences for them. I get impatient when I have to wait... for anything.

I'm a classic Type A personality. I create stress and panic when I can't. It's not a great way to live.

Our feedback from our consultant today was to give Bright Eyes more space to process and think, and to slow down ourselves as we do this.

I really appreciate feedback like this. It brings me back to the basics. I've been flapping around in my head, panicking madly for a number of weeks now, and feeling dreadful physically as I do it. So today I have been conscious of my breathing and conscious of needing to chill out and just calm down.

I think one reason is that I was busy looking for another 'magic bullet' to fix Bright Eyes. I need to remember that I've found that magic bullet already. It's called RDI. The only trouble is, it's not instant and its' going to take time, and I have to change myself to be able to make its magic work.

Safety and stress

We get the regular RDI newsletter via email, which this week had a particularly good article in it by a consultant named Thomas Brown. Here are some very interesting quotes from it. I'd love to reproduce it in full, but it's long and I'd probably be breaking some copyright laws. For a 'proper' journal article about RDI, follow this link.



Many times I am asked, "How long will it take before we see some progress?" I would really like to say, "Miracles can happen over night."

The reality is, like most other things, it takes work, dedication and patience.

The RDI® Program is a dynamic, changing process that follows a developmental model. It is unusual in the fact that we are NOT changing one discrete element or one discrete behavior.

For many kids, we are literally changing how they view the world, how they respond to changes and we are placing a lot of new demands on them. These changes are done in a gentle, loving and safe manner that gradually allows the child and, perhaps, more importantly, the neurological systems to change.


It is usually high levels of anxiety and fear that cause them to want to control a lot of elements of their life. This control can lead to difficulties with flexibility, rigidity and wanting things to always be the same... and when the anxiety and fear become too much, they are flooded with biochemical stress hormones that can cause major meltdowns.

As we give the child the tools of referencing and gazing, both for information and safety, we also give them security with knowing that everything is O.K.

As we spotlight our emotional interactions with them, we build on positive episodic memories that allow the child to reflect back and realize that change from their static world to the dynamic world is safe.

Thomas Brown answers his original question about 'how long does it take' by estimating that parents usually start to see significant changes in their child in about a year. We have seen significant progress much faster than this. Hopefully it will continue.

I'm alright now

I don't normally get my wisdom from calendars, but I was in the bank after my whingey day and I saw on their calendar this saying by Samuel Johnson the poet:

Great things are not achieved by strength but by perserverance.

It was a timely reminder to keep on keeping on. It reminded me of these verses from 2 Peter 1:6-8.

Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more you will become productive and useful in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

These last couple of days I am working on engaging emotionally with Bright Eyes before I try and get him to do something.

With the other kids I just turn up at the door of the playroom and announce "Right, it's dinner time/bath time/getting in the car time etc. Let's go." And it just doesn't work for Bright Eyes. He strongly objects.

So now I'm going in, sitting close and playing gently with him for a little bit and talking to him about what he's doing. Then I say quietly and calmly, "In a minute, we're going to get into the car," wait wait wait wait wait, take his hand.... and most of the time he comes along with me happily!

He had a great day today at our 'family birthdays' party, playing with his second cousin and running along with all the children outside. When he'd spent too much time inside with the toys he started to get loud and irritable with us talking, but I think that's reasonable if you think he's about a two year old level. Even a four year old would find it hard to be in the middle of adult company all the time.

I'm over it all today

Sorry about all the negative posts. But this is going to be another one.

I am just really tired of all of this.

Everything I do with him, I have to think so hard about. The smallest request can turn into the biggest confrontation in ten seconds unless I am supercareful.

He still won't eat properly. He's still in nappies. He still sleeps in our bed. He still talks all day about stuff that's in his own head. He bosses. He won't get on with his brother. His voice is loud and demanding and stressful.

When I change his nappy, he has to put the clean nappy over his head first, before putting it on. Then he has to put his pants on over his head before putting them on. If I miss a step he has an anxiety attack.

RDI is really great but it's challenging and tiring to have to change so much of what I do and how I speak and how I relate. I need to think so carefully all day about how things can work. Every time I get feedback from our fortnightly review, I think, "How can I do this better? How can I remember this all day tomorrow?"

I've never naturally been one of those people who loves little kids and all the messy stuff that goes with preschool. Small children are hard work for me. Looking after them doesn't give me energy like it does for some.

Yes, of course there are good things. He danced today when we put music on. He's using more appropriate language every week. Overall, he's improved amazingly in 9 months.

But I'm tired and I'm sick of it all today. And I'm having a big whinge.

Cute

I have to record the cute things, because if I don't, I will only remember the days of frustration and frayed nerves.

The other day he was sitting on my lap and I realised how big he is getting. "You're so big," I said. "You used to be a baby. You were really small. Now you're big and enormous!"

He looked up and grinned and said, "I'm grew!"

Perseverance

Today has been one of those long days.

Bright Eyes told me to ‘Stop it Mum’ at least 357 times. He had two huge poo explosions with vile diarrhoea. His sister has what we think might be mumps. And he and his little brother spent the day engaging in jealous toy swipes and body to ground vicious rumbles.

In order to cope, I had too many cups of tea in order to cope and once had to leave the room to avoid murder when the juice was spilt on the table for about the fifth time.

I think the hard thing is keeping up the momentum, day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. It's easy enough to be patient and loving and energetic some of the day. But doing that all day and all week, no matter what, is what wears me down.

I said to my husband today, "I feel like we've had a two year old for three years with Bright Eyes." It's long enough.